And There You Where..

Time to share some free verse poetry because I haven’t yet! God’s pouring words out and I feel like I just really need to write…those reading I hope this touches you somehow…enjoy.

And there you where.Perfectly created. Tiny hands, little feet. Eyes as bright as the sun. Laying in your mothers arms created in Gods image and sent from Heaven and He looked at you and said “It’s good.”

There you where. Just starting to walk. Grabbing cushion after cushion tying to keep your balance. You fall, but get right back up again. And God saw you there wobbly and said, “It’s good.”

There you where sitting in class trying your hardest to sit still. There was so much going on outside you could hardly pay attention to the teacher. Instead of doing your work you wanted to go on an adventures and discover new and exciting things. You had so much you needed to do but you where always too focused on what you wanted to do..and still, God looked at you and said, “It’s good.”

There you where, looking into the mirror disgusted. You have heard so many times that you are beautiful. That your perfect just the way you are. But you don’t believe them so you skip a meal, or you get did of the meal you just ate. And STILL God looks down at his beautiful daughter and says, “It’s good.”

There you are. Filled with sooo many lies of this world. You lost control. You no longer have a say. You are sad and not sure why. You hold the ONLY piece of courage you can find and you let yourself know how special you really are. Gash after painless gash you don’t stop until you feel just enough to sleep. God, though extremely hurt to see you hurting looks down at you curled up crying and says, “She’s still good…”

There you where. You have had it. You can’t take the selfishness. You’ve heard all the lies. What’s even worse, you believe every single one of them. You plan, you say your goodbyes, and you are ready to be done..broken, ashamed, you breathe your last breath and call out to God one last time. “Are you there?! Do you not see your child hurting?!” God, with a tear in His eye whispers, “You are STILL good.”

And there He was. The Savior of the world. Remembering your tiny hands. Your little feet. Eyes as bright as the sun. Wobbling around learning how to walk. Falling down and getting right back up. He’s remembering His child looking into the mirror disgusted. Skipping countless meals. He remembers His child hurting herself because the world hasn’t punished her enough….

And there He was. Looking into your eyes as you take what you think is going to be your last breath and he cries. The Savior of the world is holding out His arms and whispers to you, “Your my daughter and I made you like me. Your breathtakingly beautiful inside and out. I. Am. Not. Finished. With. You. Yet.”

And…”You are still good.”

-Yours truly, Sadie J.

Guys….lets just be real here for a minute…because self confidence issues, slef-injury issues, depression, suicide, and so on are very VERY real in his earth.

I hurt for the people who get to that point. I know EXACTLY how people in that situation are feeling and I know how dark it can get because WAS that person. I know what it’s like to look into the mirror and be disgusted with yourself. I know what it’s like to have to hide the scars you created to punish yourself or have control. But get this!!! God has created you to be beautiful. You ARE beautiful. You where carefully knitted together in your mothers womb. The same God they created the world carefully thought you out. He knows every hair on your head. He hurts when you hurt..

I am not claiming to be holier then anyone by any means. I still struggle when I look into the mirror..sometimes I think the whole world is out to get me and no one cares about little ole me.. But I just really really want people to know that they aren’t alone. And if they feel like their world is caving in, God is holding your hand through it all. Give Him all your junk. He hung in the cross so that you are able to hang all your junk on Him. God hurts for you.

If I could leave you with one thing today it’s that God knew EXACTLY what he was doing when he created you. He knew he bumps you’d hit. He knew all the tears you’d cry even before they would fall. He loves you..and when the world seems against you..He will be there carrying you through it all.

If anyone needs to talk let me know..you are all beautiful people. I love you all.

-Sadie J.

Take off your shoes…

“Moses said, “What’s going on here? I can’t believe this! Amazing! Why doesn’t the bush burn up?” 

GOD saw that he had stopped to look. God called to him from out of the bush, “Moses! Moses!”He said, “Yes? I’m right here!”

God said, “Don’t come any closer. Remove your sandals from your feet. You’re standing on holy ground.””

‭‭Exodus‬ ‭3:3-5 MSG.

Stand up. Sit down. Raise your hands. Clap. Sway. Fold your hands. Bow your head. Get on your knees. Hold hands. Dance. Sing. Sit in silence. The ways to worship is endless.

You feel sad. Happy. Broken. Beautiful. Not worth it. Ugly. Amazing. Angry. Frustrated. It doesn’t stop there. Some worship alone. Some with others. Some break off into groups. While others are scared to worship alone. In your car. In the kitchen, high ropes, water slide, it doesn’t matter where or when. God is listening.

This passage I shared above doesn’t specifically talk about worship, but being in the presence of God. There is no wrong way to worship God. There is just worship. But there is something powerful about taking your shoes off while you worship that is different. I have done this a couple times before and each time I have felt God move in amazing ways! (No situation is the same though.)

“Remove your sandals for you are on Holy ground.”

-God

 Worship is nothing fancy, read this verse:

““Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this. When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I’ll be there.””

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:18-20‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Ten or ten thousand, it doesn’t matter because God is present.Moses took his shoes off in the presence of God.

It’s getting late, my words are jumbled, and I understand people have their own opinions but my challenge to you is to give this a try. Whether it’s at church or camp or wherever you are worshipping take your shoes off and just be present in Gods presence. It’s the least we can do for all He has done for us!

Every one of you is amazing and I am praying for everyone who reads this blog. God loves you and I love you guys too.

Sadie J.

It’s A Daily Struggle.

“Your not good enough. Never have been. Never will be.”

“Do you hear that silence?! It’s because you said something stupid.”

“Haha your wearing that?! It’s gross! Your gross!”

“Go ahead. Cut again. Fits right in with the other scars.”

Depression is ruthless. Anxiety is careless. The urge to cut never really goes away. Like everything else you just learn to cope with it. The fantastic thing?! (*sarcasm*) All of this is very much a silent/ inward struggle..and when you are bad at voicing what’s wrong and what’s going on in your head, it’s even worse. Because “No one will EVER understand you.”

I’ve met people who have severe depression..so I am not claiming to be completely sucked into it. It is just hard most days. Can I give some advice though?

Be patient. Please please be patient.

I can’t stress this enough. I am the type of person who shuts down when something negative is said. I take it, I soak it in, and I sit in what was said to me or anyone else around me and I hurt for myself and for others as well. I battle it alone..

When you meet a cutter you need to know that they have hard days, and they have really hard days. Whenever there is negativity, whenever you don’t have control, whenever you are out down or feel stupid, the urge is there front and center like an itch you are trying to ignore. It will pick at you, poke at you, until you give it even the slightest bit of attention and it will consume your thoughts. So what do you do? You learn to cope.

(I also understand not everyone is the same.)

Anxiety. Worry, uneasiness, fear, it all slumps into one big nasty ball of junk. And half the time you don’t even know what your anxious about! It’s not relative to the situation at all. You could be chillin and all of a sudden get sick to your stomach because soemthing is making you anxious. My biggest problem? I don’t know where my life is going. Then I get anxious. Another problem? I see someone getting “kicked while they are down”. I am anxious that they are hurting themselves because of it, or even tearing themselves down inside because I remember how dark I got before because of those words I hear.

Anxiety is an ugly thing. It will hold you back from something exciting that God has for you. Missions trips? Forget it. Too far away. Too long. What if the plane crashes. It’s a Christian group what if we are robbed and murdered. Then we pull a Jonah and dip.

It’s hard to but let me try tie all of this in…

God knows what you go through. Inwardly and outwardly. He understands. He is standing there, hands open, waiting for you to give Him your weight. He wants to carry that for you..He DID! He was nailed to the cross for that. Easier said than done. It is a battle for me every day for sure.

I want to be able to share and talk with anyone else struggling. Because I  have felt so alone, I don’t want anyone of you to ever feel that way. Is it embarrassing?! Maybe, but I know how much better I feel when I get a chance to talk to people whogenuinely care.

Whether it is depression, anxiety, cutting, or anything else, Gods got a reason for it. He never gives you more than you can handle. It may seem like it is getting to heavy of a load,  but that just means God is waiting there willing to take that load off of you and continue to walk with you.

“The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”

-Footprints In The Sand

I know this was all over the place..but if I can leave you with a few things tonight? It’s that you are not alone. God will Carrie you through. And please please PLEASE watch what you say. Joking or not words stick. They will be brought up later on in life. I’ve heard too many stories of the words and negativity in others to be a HUGE cause of depression, isolation, self hate, and even suicide. It’s heartbreaking but it almost always comes from a place of hurt and insecurity.

Leave it at the foot of the cross.

Gods got you.

I’m here for anyone, know that.

Sadie J.

Guys! I’m still alive!

**awkwardly slides back into personal blog after being gone for almost six months and pretends she was never gone**

Holy smokes it has been too long! I have been super busy lately with my job and with life in general! But, much to your enjoyment, I will be writing fairly often! Significantly more than twice a week. Here’s why!

I have gotten  sooo blessed with the opportunity to be a part of the summer staff at our church camp! This is the camp I accepted Christ when I was about the age of sixteen. I will be spending two full months fully submerged in God’s work. Making sure that whether it be through my actions, appearance, music, facebook, or anything else, that i will be doing everything for God’s glory never forgetting to thank Him for all He’s done and blessed me with!

There is just something spiritual about the Black Hills! I am excited to see what my God & I time will bring! I will be blogging a lot, and as the summer goes on I will even do a few Facebook live videos to share what God has been teaching me and hopefuly be an encouregment!

This is just going to be short and sweet today because it is four in the morning.

All of you remember you are loved and you are blessed!

God loves you

I love you,

Sadie J.

The louder voice in my head.

Can we just be real here??? That’s usually what he starts with. Then proceeds to let me know the times I’ve failed in the past, BEFORE going into the present time. It’s all usually while I stare blankly into what seems like my whole life’s mistakes, but is actually the skirt of my bed…because my back is against the door and I’m just numb.

I am not sure when it all started..but the only thing that matters is that it did start.

Being a young girl at the time, I was more so looking for every compliment good or bad because I had NO IDEA who I was as a person. But he would always tell me how I was. How embarrassing, slutty, (the first time I was called that was on Easter Sunday RIGHT before the service.) You know you go through life not realizing these things are happening until it happens to you.

I was this scared little girl afraid to say things that would set him off, or even set me off. I sure had a temper, but it was more directed toward the out-of-control crying I had to do or I would explode. That was a lot of the reason I cut myself. I did it because I had nothing to control anymore. No phone, no freedom, nothing!…

I am having a hard time wrapping things up, but what I will say is you are not alone. I know what you are going through. I do, and it’s sad, but you never EVER should be alone through this..it sucks.

Verbal abuse is the excessive use of language to undermine someone’s dignity and security through insults or humiliation, in a sudden or repeated manner.

THIS, my friends, is no joke. Seriously. I’ve gone YEARS without knowing what was really going on. I always would and still do to this day blame myself. “Oh he called me a slut…so I better make sure I change things to make sure I am not called that again.” “Stupid? Yeah, hah I guess that’s me.” I’m not sure where it all comes from, but I believe it is such a cop out.

Stay strong people,

I’ll be here to listen!

Sadie P.

Down for the count…but NOT out!

Man, it’s been a while since I last post…a lot has happened in that time I can tell you now! It’s late so I’m just going to journal…

September 18th, 2015

It’s about as normal a day as you can think up. Wake up, eat breakfast, loung around because..you know..still trying to find a job..

As every day seems to start out I wake up glued to my bed. I mean, I wake up refreshed and wide awake, yet I still roll over and I’m out like a light for another two hours then making me wake up feeling like I’ve just been hit by a train. Depression people. It makes you “want to stay in bed all day” It makes you “lose interest in the things you love most…depression sucks!

Diagnosed or not, I have depression there is NO doubt about that! Boy it’s a struggle too. I’d prefer not being medicated, walkin around feeling like a zombie, but honestly, it would mellow me out and help me to chill out when things don’t happen to go my way…

I’m just going to say what set me off today, what the straw that broke the camels back so-to-speek, was the fact that I was called a slut. and a b!tc#. Normally that wouldn’t really phase me, but it was out of the mouth of who should be the most influencial man in my life. And like I said it was more the emotions I had held in from the week before today. It has been a rough one..

I believe that God puts you through rough situations to test your committment to trusting in His will. I know I have felt myself drift away from God. I find myself thinking things like, “Oh I know I should be doing devotions now or praying” but I don’t actually follow through with that.

I had a huge slip up. As you all know I struggle with cutting. Alway have, and it always will be a struggle…

Well, I’m suber exhausted so the advice I have to give tonight is take your struggles, take your slip-ups, and take your cruddy times and make them positive. Let them grow you not only stronger as a person, but stronger and closer to God. He know’s what He’s doing!

Be Blessed and If you can, pray for me tonight.

Love you all,

Sadie J.

A piece of my testimony!

Well, January 4th, 2015 I decided to be baptized! Each person getting baptized was to write a couple minutes telling your story and why you want to be baptized. I was excited to finally go public with my. Relationship with Christ! But yet, I was scared. I was tested big time with my faith from the time I made the decision Til two weeks later when I got baptized. Below is just a little piece if my story….the piece I shared in front of my congregation of New Hope Wesleyan Church.

God Bless!!

Sadie J.

     Before I knew Christ my life was dark. I knew of God, and I definitely knew my Bible but I was definitely not following God’s plan for me. Before I knew Christ I was a very bitter and very angry person. I started cutting myself to ease the pain, but mostly to have control. What started out as not that big of a deal became a huge deal and before I knew it I was thinking and planning out my own suicide. Through unfortunate events I soon realized that I needed to change my life, and fast.

        The day I excepted Christ I was at camp before my senior year. I remember the speaker had us carry around a tennis ball written on it what we define ourselves as. The final night when I was sitting in my chair the speaker said that if the tennis ball no longer defined us we could set it at the foot of the cross in the very front of the chapel. That is when I knew I needed to change my attitude towards myself and towards life in general. I wasn’t planning on walking up to the front but God sure had other plans. I got up from my chair and walked up to the front and after I drop my tennis ball down right away I felt such a weight lifted off my shoulders. After that we had an altar call and that’s when I knew God was working on me because I kneeled down in the very front, then and there I excepted Christ as my savior. God must have wanted me to do that on my own because the second I finished I felt hands on my back praying over me.

        Ever since I excepted Christ I knew in my mind that God had huge plans for me and for my story. Ever since I made this decision to be baptized I know it’s where God wants me because I’ve felt the Devil picking at me ever since I check that box in the church bulletin. Just this past week I was laying in bed and I just broke down. I was crying and I did not even know the reason why and it felt like I couldn’t stop. I just turned to God and I said “God is this where I am supposed to turn to you?” and immediately following that I yawned and it was it that exact moment I immediately stopped crying and I felt peace. Peace I KNEW ONLY came from God.

        Though I am still growing in my faith and learning new things every day I feel that not only is baptism my next step but making baptism public, so that people around me can keep me accountable, is a huge part of this too.

Well….that was a close one.

September 3rd, 2015

I was close today…close to cutting that is. See, I use to cut to feel control. It gave me a sense of controll over myself. Basically I had controll of how much I cut, how deep, and where I cut…and in high school when I lost control or had very little control over life whether it be my cell phone and constantly getting that checked through or taken, or not being able to hang with friends or go to school events. It was a struggle.

I haave been about 600 days or so “clean” from cutting, and it was all almost thrown away…I felt like I’ve lost control…I am a 21 year old girl living at home between semesters. I just recently lost my job, and I do not yet have my own car..I am upset, I didn’t have control over the car situation to get some more applications..So I was so close to cutting…

My anger had spiked. I already have been feeling bad about myself. I’ve been depressed, and anxious at the same time. After bottling it up it had all just came out. I had gotten a shaving razor, to take apart, and the bandages all ready to go. And I just got distracted with my brother calling.

I honestly still think about it….but cutting never solved anything at all. It never, in the long run, made me feel better…It never fufilled any desire except for adding an extra flaw on my body for me to look at.

I just want to let anyone out there know that even those who have not been struggling for a long time still struggle. Even those who seem like they have it all put together struggle with the relapse…and it is just as frustrating. It is not exactly easy to get up here and let you all know that I have lost my job and I almost cut again…but I do it to le tyou know you are not alone.

I would appreciate the prayer, and I will pray for you guys as well!

God is ALWAYS there for you no matter what!!

His love is constant!

Love,

Sadie Jean 

“Depresion Sucks!”

You hear everywhere the saying “Cancer sucks”…Though that happens to be very very true, but another way you can say this quote is “depression sucks.” Depression, if you are not aware, is a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and despondent lack of activity…according to Siri. Depression can be crippling. Depression can come at you suddenly, or slowly build up to a rather inconvenient climax, not to mention it can be very frustrating as well.

Lets be honest here, I have struggled with what people thought was “My own version of depression”…come to find out it was depression. My sophmore year of college it really came out. I never wanted to leave my bed, I was skipping class to just sleep, I lost interest in my music, I started smoking weed just so I was able to relax. It all came crashing down when a relationship ended..I. Was. A. Mess. To say the least.

At this time it had been about a year since I had last cut, and I had relapsed. It was bad. I was at home for christmas break and I decided instead of making a new cut and a new scar I would simply cut over the other one…so I did just that. When I was finished I went downstairs to get a glas of water because I didn’t feel too good. I had cut so deep and lost so much blood I fainted in the kitchen…scared my mom. (Something I will regret until the day I die!!!)

So depression sucks..I can’t figure out what else to say about it but it is the worst thing anyone can ever go through…depression leaves you with a snese of hopelessness about your life. You tend to lay in bed thinking of ways  you are not needed in life anymore and how tempting it would be just to end it. You’d be “lessof a  burdan to them”, by them I mean your family….

I promise you you are NOT alone!!! Even those who walk the streets and go to work like any normal person struggled to get out of bed and leave their homes..I assist Junior Varsity Volleyball, and today was an example. I had to push through despite feeling depressed.

Now, clinical or not, it still is depression..and I still struggle with it. I still have suicidal thoughts..I still fight the everyday urge not to cut myself again. Ever since I lost my job, my feeling of hopelessness has grown. Me feeling like I don’t matter anymore has increased…but what I can say is that my love for God hasn’t gone anywhere. I question God’s motives through all this, but it is nothing he doesn’t have a plan for in the long run.

Those struggling with depression are NOT alone!! There are others out there. There is help out there!! The hardest part is to ask for help, but trust me it is so worth it.

“God may not tell you what he is doing, but he’s always got something planned in the long run.”

Love you all and God loves you too!!

Sadie Jean P.